A Mindset of Abuse

The worst part about viewing pornography is that it changes my mindset toward women. They become an object of my pleasure and satisfaction. They exist to serve and satisfy my desires. This mindset does not disappear when the computer screen has closed. No, it effects the way I see just about every women for the rest of the day, week, or month. It is a struggle to begin to value the beauty of a woman as a reflection of God’s image when I have abused this quality.

An Imperfect Experience

Although the experience remained incomplete, I realized that there is some satisfaction in using pornography. Enjoying the intimacy of another couple somehow feeds a desire that is partially satisfied though it cannot be consummated without another person. I took what I could from it, but recognized that I really desire that intimacy with an individual rather than a computer screen. 

 

I am a little scared of my desire to enjoy sex with a girl instead of with myself since it is something I have always thought to be wrong. Now, I realize that it is not necessarily the full pleasure of sex, but it is something that I desire.

 

By using the term full pleasure, I recognize that I have somehow convinced myself that a perfect version of sex exists that I might miss out on if I approach it in the wrong way. However, I can never be sure if, or when, I will reach that perfect version of sex.  

 

What if life is not about a perfect version, but about doing the best with what one is given? What if contentment and satisfaction is entirely up to the individual rather than the circumstance?

 

With that conclusion, it is entirely plausible to condemn the conservative mindset toward sex as something evil. It forces a person to rely on their circumstances for happiness rather than on their own ability to experience a God-given pleasure for all it is worth no matter how perfect or imperfect the experience is.

 

There are some people who would freak out to see this written here, but I think that fear of others’ opinions is an awful reason to avoid something. Perhaps it is time to go after something that I want rather than stifling a desire out of fear that it is not perfect.

Empty Water Bags

Trying to find satisfaction through pornography is similar to trying to find water inside of an empty water bag. No matter how hard you suck at the opening, there is no moisture to satisfy the unending thirst of a dry tongue. With just a few minutes of use, I have drained the container of pornography to find that it has nothing to offer besides a spray of warm air.

Perhaps my experience is unusual and my brain is no longer primed to enjoy such a guilty pleasure. However, I think that the digital world of pornography (and perhaps the digital world of social media, gaming, etc...) offers more than it gives. The sales pitch is great, but the actual product does not do what it was supposed to.

My experience of Netflix and of Pornhub reflect the truth of this idea. Both platforms are designed for convenience of browsing through reams of possibilities, none of which are fully satisfactory. We search through one genre after another seeking some answer to the nagging question deep within the soul, but this action is only a distraction. The real test is one of whether we can turn to face the question head on to discover its source or whether we will attempt to appease some tickle of fancy that proposes to end our interest in the question for awhile.

What is the question?

I think it is not clearly defined in my own mind enough to share. However, I know that simply embracing a passion for knowing God and living as a Christian is not enough to make it go away. There is still some need or want whose root may be good or evil, but whose effect must be managed if I am to avoid the frustration of trying to drink out of empty water bags.