Just This Time

Sometimes the desire is just to see what it will feel like this time. It is surprising how almost everything I see now is revolting to my sensibilities, but I go on looking for an image that is not revolting. I don’t think I will ever find it, but that is sometimes what pushes me further. Even though I am never happy with it, I enter anyway and leave feeling the way I did before – only a little bit worse. Now, even though I didn’t want them, I have certain pictures that are stuck in my mind. They give me no joy, but they are there, wasting space

A Distortion of a Good Desire

Even when finding that which most closely resembles the relationship between two people as God intended it to be does not leave one with the feeling of satisfaction. For truth was meant to be understood through participation not through observation.

There is a desire that is good. There is a distortion of that desire which is evil. The desire cannot be understood as either physical or spiritual. It is both at the same time because the individual it originates in cannot be separated into one or the other. This is why one cannot enjoy an experience that is lacking in either attribute.

It also explains why the porn industry is constantly trying to communicate the innocence of the sexual relationship as it was created to be (or its polar opposite). Sex is what people desire, but can never find in pornography. It is that desire to find perfect one-ness with another that drives people forward on this unfortunate path that will lead them away from their goal.

What I want is Good

“That was not nearly so pleasurable as I thought it would be.” My thoughts taunted me after watching a video that in many ways satisfies my fantasies. Even though in many ways, I experienced exactly what I wanted, I was not happy with getting what I wanted. Before the action, I know that I want to do it, but afterward I am left wondering why.

 

The answer is simple, yet difficult to navigate: What I want is good, but my means of achieving it are a misdirected desire. It’s like planning to hit a target by shooting in another direction. What makes it complicated is that I am surrounded by mirrors which show targets in every possible direction. They all look really close and really easy to hit. In fact they are, but when I achieve the objective of hitting the target in the mirror, all that happens is that the mirror shatters. The real target is still there, the reflection of the target still exists in my mind taunting me because I haven’t actually hit it. I have some satisfaction from knowing I eliminated what I shot at. However, I am also sad because I have inadvertently destroyed that which made the image possible. The mirror was not evil, the target was not evil, but the reflection of the target in the mirror becomes a source of evil when I shoot at it instead of the real target. The effort is wasted, the damage is irreversible, and the satisfaction is confusing.

Counterfeit Pleasure

Does the counterfeit give as much pleasure as the reality? If I didn’t imagine that the non-counterfeit experience was better, the counterfeit experience should be equally as valuable as what may be more real. The only problem with this approach is that the pleasure is still extremely short-lived. It’s like eating a meal, but being hungry right after you’re finished. 

Sometimes what I believe is not an accurate reflection of reality. Perhaps my mind has been deceived into thinking that I can derive some pleasure from pornography. However my experience proves the limited nature of this activity.
 

Joseph's Motivation - Genesis 39

In the beginning the one thought that I tried to ignore and successfully did was the idea of Joseph and his constant resistance of sex with Potiphar’s wife. He said, how can I do this thing and sin against God? Apparently, even before the law of Moses had been written, there was some understanding that he could only ever be intimate with a woman who was not married to another man.

 

His desire was to avoid sinning against God. This is the one idea that can keep me from indulging my lusts. However, it is the one idea that I often ignore to my own peril. It is only after the sin that I recognize the fear of God most clearly. Even in the action, though, the pleasure I could have is tempered by the nagging thought that the Lord is not pleased. He is not only displeased that I choose to disobey and ignore His instruction, but also displeased that I choose the worse choice for myself. He desires for me to have every good thing and for this reason has disallowed me certain actions at this time.

 

 

 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+39&version=NIV

 

Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. Potiphar, an Egyptian who was one of Pharaoh’s officials, the captain of the guard, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him there. ² The Lord was with Joseph so that he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master. ³ When his master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord gave him success in everything he did, ⁴ Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned. ⁵ From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the Lord blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field. ⁶ So Potiphar left everything he had in Joseph’s care; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate.
Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, ⁷ and after a while his master’s wife took notice of Joseph and said, “Come to bed with me!”
⁸ But he refused. “With me in charge,” he told her, “my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. ⁹ No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” ¹⁰ And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.
¹¹ One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. ¹² She caught him by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.
¹³ When she saw that he had left his cloak in her hand and had run out of the house, ¹⁴ she called her household servants. “Look,” she said to them, “this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed. ¹⁵ When he heard me scream for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house.”
¹⁶ She kept his cloak beside her until his master came home. ¹⁷ Then she told him this story: “That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me. ¹⁸ But as soon as I screamed for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house.”
¹⁹ When his master heard the story his wife told him, saying, “This is how your slave treated me,” he burned with anger. ²⁰ Joseph’s master took him and put him in prison, the place where the king’s prisoners were confined.
But while Joseph was there in the prison, ²¹ the Lord was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden. ²² So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. ²³ The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph’s care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.

New International Version (NIV) Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 

What I don't know

Why I want to view pornography? I don’t know. 

Why I don’t want to is fairly plain to my heart. But why do my reasons seem to vanish when I am presented with the opportunity? Why am I excited to do what I don’t want to do?

Romans 7:18-19 For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Right now half of me wants to see a naked girl and the other half recognizes that I will not be satisfied with what I see. There is a part of me that knows I could just say no for the 20^th time today, but there is another part that wants to look just so that I can be through with it. It is much easier to live with the hatred of what I did than to constantly push back against the harassment to do.

What I want to do is participate in the innocent adventure of exploring and loving another person’s body, but this opportunity does not seem to exist for me outside of marriage.

Perhaps in watching another person enjoy what I know I cannot at this time…but even this makes me sad. For many of them, sex is the epitome of life. They can expect nothing more than what momentary pleasure their bodies can provide.

Even I am disappointed at the thin shell of enjoyment that I experience from watching porn. I know that sex must be something more than what I find here.

Perhaps the enjoyment of sex is like John Bunyan’s story of Passion and Patience from the Interpreter’s House in The Pilgrim’s Progress. Passion could not wait for his treasure and received his pleasure immediately. But this quickly wore out and faded even though for a time it made the man very happy.

Patience on the other hand was scorned by his companion as he waited for the treasure promised long ago. When his reward for waiting finally came, it brought him pleasure that would not wear out. From then on, he was supremely happy.

This is a lesson I hope to learn quickly:

That which is good is worth waiting for

Choose to Return

With the temptation, there is a way of escape, but the simple plastic pleasure overwhelms me. When I let it come so close, it blocks out all the beauty far away and for a moment it’s all I want. But once I reach out my hand to touch it, all the joy it promised melts away leaving only a hollow shell to echo the guilt I now feel.

The problem is that sin, brought so close blocks the light that once warmed my heart. No, the sin itself does not block the light, but I must choose to turn away from It to indulge my desire. Once turned away, I have rejected all that is good and true and light and joy in one simple action.

Turning back is hard, but/because it forces me to humbly crawl back to the only one who can give me what I desire. In my stupidity I first turned away, but in his ever-present grace, I am welcomed back again and again if I will only choose to return.