An Imperfect Experience

Although the experience remained incomplete, I realized that there is some satisfaction in using pornography. Enjoying the intimacy of another couple somehow feeds a desire that is partially satisfied though it cannot be consummated without another person. I took what I could from it, but recognized that I really desire that intimacy with an individual rather than a computer screen. 

 

I am a little scared of my desire to enjoy sex with a girl instead of with myself since it is something I have always thought to be wrong. Now, I realize that it is not necessarily the full pleasure of sex, but it is something that I desire.

 

By using the term full pleasure, I recognize that I have somehow convinced myself that a perfect version of sex exists that I might miss out on if I approach it in the wrong way. However, I can never be sure if, or when, I will reach that perfect version of sex.  

 

What if life is not about a perfect version, but about doing the best with what one is given? What if contentment and satisfaction is entirely up to the individual rather than the circumstance?

 

With that conclusion, it is entirely plausible to condemn the conservative mindset toward sex as something evil. It forces a person to rely on their circumstances for happiness rather than on their own ability to experience a God-given pleasure for all it is worth no matter how perfect or imperfect the experience is.

 

There are some people who would freak out to see this written here, but I think that fear of others’ opinions is an awful reason to avoid something. Perhaps it is time to go after something that I want rather than stifling a desire out of fear that it is not perfect.

Masturbation: Less than the best

"What if I asked you to give up masturbation,” He asked? 

I replied through prayer, “I think that would be very difficult.”

In short, I think that I place too much of a value on sexual satisfaction, which probably means I need to struggle to give it up. Maybe it’s not forever, but at least for an undefined period of time. While pleasure can be good, I cannot allow it to become something I can’t give up for the sake of knowing Christ. (Phillippians 3:8)* I need to give this up because I want something better. In the process of letting go of my ‘rights’ to it, I will discover the value of what I acquire instead.

Tonight, I asked permission. He said, no, but I did anyway. That is unacceptable. I cannot let a physical desire override my spiritual desire. If I do, I will discover as always that the two cannot be separated without losing their value.

Even though there is pleasure in masturbation and pleasure in participating in sex, this kind of pleasure is driven from a source that loses its value outside of marriage. I have defined pornography as wrong, but cannot do the same for masturbation. It is not such a black and white line. However, it is less than the best I could desire and therefore a distraction that I need to keep from blocking my vision of what is beautiful.

*Phillippians 3:8

More than that, I count all things as loss compared to the surpassing excellence of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.

A Distortion of a Good Desire

Even when finding that which most closely resembles the relationship between two people as God intended it to be does not leave one with the feeling of satisfaction. For truth was meant to be understood through participation not through observation.

There is a desire that is good. There is a distortion of that desire which is evil. The desire cannot be understood as either physical or spiritual. It is both at the same time because the individual it originates in cannot be separated into one or the other. This is why one cannot enjoy an experience that is lacking in either attribute.

It also explains why the porn industry is constantly trying to communicate the innocence of the sexual relationship as it was created to be (or its polar opposite). Sex is what people desire, but can never find in pornography. It is that desire to find perfect one-ness with another that drives people forward on this unfortunate path that will lead them away from their goal.