What I don't know

Why I want to view pornography? I don’t know. 

Why I don’t want to is fairly plain to my heart. But why do my reasons seem to vanish when I am presented with the opportunity? Why am I excited to do what I don’t want to do?

Romans 7:18-19 For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Right now half of me wants to see a naked girl and the other half recognizes that I will not be satisfied with what I see. There is a part of me that knows I could just say no for the 20^th time today, but there is another part that wants to look just so that I can be through with it. It is much easier to live with the hatred of what I did than to constantly push back against the harassment to do.

What I want to do is participate in the innocent adventure of exploring and loving another person’s body, but this opportunity does not seem to exist for me outside of marriage.

Perhaps in watching another person enjoy what I know I cannot at this time…but even this makes me sad. For many of them, sex is the epitome of life. They can expect nothing more than what momentary pleasure their bodies can provide.

Even I am disappointed at the thin shell of enjoyment that I experience from watching porn. I know that sex must be something more than what I find here.

Perhaps the enjoyment of sex is like John Bunyan’s story of Passion and Patience from the Interpreter’s House in The Pilgrim’s Progress. Passion could not wait for his treasure and received his pleasure immediately. But this quickly wore out and faded even though for a time it made the man very happy.

Patience on the other hand was scorned by his companion as he waited for the treasure promised long ago. When his reward for waiting finally came, it brought him pleasure that would not wear out. From then on, he was supremely happy.

This is a lesson I hope to learn quickly:

That which is good is worth waiting for