A Mindset of Abuse

The worst part about viewing pornography is that it changes my mindset toward women. They become an object of my pleasure and satisfaction. They exist to serve and satisfy my desires. This mindset does not disappear when the computer screen has closed. No, it effects the way I see just about every women for the rest of the day, week, or month. It is a struggle to begin to value the beauty of a woman as a reflection of God’s image when I have abused this quality.

An Imperfect Experience

Although the experience remained incomplete, I realized that there is some satisfaction in using pornography. Enjoying the intimacy of another couple somehow feeds a desire that is partially satisfied though it cannot be consummated without another person. I took what I could from it, but recognized that I really desire that intimacy with an individual rather than a computer screen. 

 

I am a little scared of my desire to enjoy sex with a girl instead of with myself since it is something I have always thought to be wrong. Now, I realize that it is not necessarily the full pleasure of sex, but it is something that I desire.

 

By using the term full pleasure, I recognize that I have somehow convinced myself that a perfect version of sex exists that I might miss out on if I approach it in the wrong way. However, I can never be sure if, or when, I will reach that perfect version of sex.  

 

What if life is not about a perfect version, but about doing the best with what one is given? What if contentment and satisfaction is entirely up to the individual rather than the circumstance?

 

With that conclusion, it is entirely plausible to condemn the conservative mindset toward sex as something evil. It forces a person to rely on their circumstances for happiness rather than on their own ability to experience a God-given pleasure for all it is worth no matter how perfect or imperfect the experience is.

 

There are some people who would freak out to see this written here, but I think that fear of others’ opinions is an awful reason to avoid something. Perhaps it is time to go after something that I want rather than stifling a desire out of fear that it is not perfect.

When Jesus is There

I think that I am finally coming to understand the problem with Pornography. It is the part of watching it that hurts. Even from the very start, I know that I am taking something from someone that doesn’t belong to me. In addition, I am forcing Christ to go through a mental interaction with a person that is not my wife. How can I join Him with a prostitute? (1 Corinthians 6:15 Do you not knowthatyourbodiesaremembersof Christ?Shall I then takethemembersof Christand unite themwith a prostitute?Never!) This is the most terrible thing of all, for this action does not hurt me as much as it does Him. 

I think this is the first time I have gone through a ‘session’ with the full knowledge that Jesus has never left the room. That He looks on with sorrow at how willing I am to be unsatisfied. It’s a little bit awkward writing it here, but there is no condemnation from Him. His grace has covered my sin before I even consider performing it.

Because God is the source of joy, pleasure, beauty, etc.… anything that I pursue apart from my pursuit of Him will not contain the joy, pleasure, beauty etc.… that I expect. When I pursue God, I will find what I want in greater measure. When I pursue what I want, I will be disappointed when I receive it.

A Beautiful Girl

It is interesting to note that it is not necessarily my exposure to evil, but my treatment of it that hurts or helps me. Tonight, I saw one of the ads for sex that litter the internet and responded with a simple thought: you are beautiful, but that is not what you are beautiful for. There is a much greater purpose behind how you look. The hunger in your eyes will only be satisfied by one thing. You were created to be in a relationship with your creator. When I see your beauty, I can see something of the nature of God, but when I use your beauty for my selfish end, I turn away from the context in which you are most beautiful and am left with an object devoid of beauty and ultimately even devoid of pleasure.

Counterfeit Pleasure

Does the counterfeit give as much pleasure as the reality? If I didn’t imagine that the non-counterfeit experience was better, the counterfeit experience should be equally as valuable as what may be more real. The only problem with this approach is that the pleasure is still extremely short-lived. It’s like eating a meal, but being hungry right after you’re finished. 

Sometimes what I believe is not an accurate reflection of reality. Perhaps my mind has been deceived into thinking that I can derive some pleasure from pornography. However my experience proves the limited nature of this activity.