A Mindset of Abuse

The worst part about viewing pornography is that it changes my mindset toward women. They become an object of my pleasure and satisfaction. They exist to serve and satisfy my desires. This mindset does not disappear when the computer screen has closed. No, it effects the way I see just about every women for the rest of the day, week, or month. It is a struggle to begin to value the beauty of a woman as a reflection of God’s image when I have abused this quality.

An Imperfect Experience

Although the experience remained incomplete, I realized that there is some satisfaction in using pornography. Enjoying the intimacy of another couple somehow feeds a desire that is partially satisfied though it cannot be consummated without another person. I took what I could from it, but recognized that I really desire that intimacy with an individual rather than a computer screen. 

 

I am a little scared of my desire to enjoy sex with a girl instead of with myself since it is something I have always thought to be wrong. Now, I realize that it is not necessarily the full pleasure of sex, but it is something that I desire.

 

By using the term full pleasure, I recognize that I have somehow convinced myself that a perfect version of sex exists that I might miss out on if I approach it in the wrong way. However, I can never be sure if, or when, I will reach that perfect version of sex.  

 

What if life is not about a perfect version, but about doing the best with what one is given? What if contentment and satisfaction is entirely up to the individual rather than the circumstance?

 

With that conclusion, it is entirely plausible to condemn the conservative mindset toward sex as something evil. It forces a person to rely on their circumstances for happiness rather than on their own ability to experience a God-given pleasure for all it is worth no matter how perfect or imperfect the experience is.

 

There are some people who would freak out to see this written here, but I think that fear of others’ opinions is an awful reason to avoid something. Perhaps it is time to go after something that I want rather than stifling a desire out of fear that it is not perfect.

Just This Time

Sometimes the desire is just to see what it will feel like this time. It is surprising how almost everything I see now is revolting to my sensibilities, but I go on looking for an image that is not revolting. I don’t think I will ever find it, but that is sometimes what pushes me further. Even though I am never happy with it, I enter anyway and leave feeling the way I did before – only a little bit worse. Now, even though I didn’t want them, I have certain pictures that are stuck in my mind. They give me no joy, but they are there, wasting space

A Distortion of a Good Desire

Even when finding that which most closely resembles the relationship between two people as God intended it to be does not leave one with the feeling of satisfaction. For truth was meant to be understood through participation not through observation.

There is a desire that is good. There is a distortion of that desire which is evil. The desire cannot be understood as either physical or spiritual. It is both at the same time because the individual it originates in cannot be separated into one or the other. This is why one cannot enjoy an experience that is lacking in either attribute.

It also explains why the porn industry is constantly trying to communicate the innocence of the sexual relationship as it was created to be (or its polar opposite). Sex is what people desire, but can never find in pornography. It is that desire to find perfect one-ness with another that drives people forward on this unfortunate path that will lead them away from their goal.