An Imperfect Experience

Although the experience remained incomplete, I realized that there is some satisfaction in using pornography. Enjoying the intimacy of another couple somehow feeds a desire that is partially satisfied though it cannot be consummated without another person. I took what I could from it, but recognized that I really desire that intimacy with an individual rather than a computer screen. 

 

I am a little scared of my desire to enjoy sex with a girl instead of with myself since it is something I have always thought to be wrong. Now, I realize that it is not necessarily the full pleasure of sex, but it is something that I desire.

 

By using the term full pleasure, I recognize that I have somehow convinced myself that a perfect version of sex exists that I might miss out on if I approach it in the wrong way. However, I can never be sure if, or when, I will reach that perfect version of sex.  

 

What if life is not about a perfect version, but about doing the best with what one is given? What if contentment and satisfaction is entirely up to the individual rather than the circumstance?

 

With that conclusion, it is entirely plausible to condemn the conservative mindset toward sex as something evil. It forces a person to rely on their circumstances for happiness rather than on their own ability to experience a God-given pleasure for all it is worth no matter how perfect or imperfect the experience is.

 

There are some people who would freak out to see this written here, but I think that fear of others’ opinions is an awful reason to avoid something. Perhaps it is time to go after something that I want rather than stifling a desire out of fear that it is not perfect.

Empty Water Bags

Trying to find satisfaction through pornography is similar to trying to find water inside of an empty water bag. No matter how hard you suck at the opening, there is no moisture to satisfy the unending thirst of a dry tongue. With just a few minutes of use, I have drained the container of pornography to find that it has nothing to offer besides a spray of warm air.

Perhaps my experience is unusual and my brain is no longer primed to enjoy such a guilty pleasure. However, I think that the digital world of pornography (and perhaps the digital world of social media, gaming, etc...) offers more than it gives. The sales pitch is great, but the actual product does not do what it was supposed to.

My experience of Netflix and of Pornhub reflect the truth of this idea. Both platforms are designed for convenience of browsing through reams of possibilities, none of which are fully satisfactory. We search through one genre after another seeking some answer to the nagging question deep within the soul, but this action is only a distraction. The real test is one of whether we can turn to face the question head on to discover its source or whether we will attempt to appease some tickle of fancy that proposes to end our interest in the question for awhile.

What is the question?

I think it is not clearly defined in my own mind enough to share. However, I know that simply embracing a passion for knowing God and living as a Christian is not enough to make it go away. There is still some need or want whose root may be good or evil, but whose effect must be managed if I am to avoid the frustration of trying to drink out of empty water bags.

When Jesus is There

I think that I am finally coming to understand the problem with Pornography. It is the part of watching it that hurts. Even from the very start, I know that I am taking something from someone that doesn’t belong to me. In addition, I am forcing Christ to go through a mental interaction with a person that is not my wife. How can I join Him with a prostitute? (1 Corinthians 6:15 Do you not knowthatyourbodiesaremembersof Christ?Shall I then takethemembersof Christand unite themwith a prostitute?Never!) This is the most terrible thing of all, for this action does not hurt me as much as it does Him. 

I think this is the first time I have gone through a ‘session’ with the full knowledge that Jesus has never left the room. That He looks on with sorrow at how willing I am to be unsatisfied. It’s a little bit awkward writing it here, but there is no condemnation from Him. His grace has covered my sin before I even consider performing it.

Because God is the source of joy, pleasure, beauty, etc.… anything that I pursue apart from my pursuit of Him will not contain the joy, pleasure, beauty etc.… that I expect. When I pursue God, I will find what I want in greater measure. When I pursue what I want, I will be disappointed when I receive it.

A Beautiful Girl

It is interesting to note that it is not necessarily my exposure to evil, but my treatment of it that hurts or helps me. Tonight, I saw one of the ads for sex that litter the internet and responded with a simple thought: you are beautiful, but that is not what you are beautiful for. There is a much greater purpose behind how you look. The hunger in your eyes will only be satisfied by one thing. You were created to be in a relationship with your creator. When I see your beauty, I can see something of the nature of God, but when I use your beauty for my selfish end, I turn away from the context in which you are most beautiful and am left with an object devoid of beauty and ultimately even devoid of pleasure.

A Distortion of a Good Desire

Even when finding that which most closely resembles the relationship between two people as God intended it to be does not leave one with the feeling of satisfaction. For truth was meant to be understood through participation not through observation.

There is a desire that is good. There is a distortion of that desire which is evil. The desire cannot be understood as either physical or spiritual. It is both at the same time because the individual it originates in cannot be separated into one or the other. This is why one cannot enjoy an experience that is lacking in either attribute.

It also explains why the porn industry is constantly trying to communicate the innocence of the sexual relationship as it was created to be (or its polar opposite). Sex is what people desire, but can never find in pornography. It is that desire to find perfect one-ness with another that drives people forward on this unfortunate path that will lead them away from their goal.