What I want is Good

“That was not nearly so pleasurable as I thought it would be.” My thoughts taunted me after watching a video that in many ways satisfies my fantasies. Even though in many ways, I experienced exactly what I wanted, I was not happy with getting what I wanted. Before the action, I know that I want to do it, but afterward I am left wondering why.

 

The answer is simple, yet difficult to navigate: What I want is good, but my means of achieving it are a misdirected desire. It’s like planning to hit a target by shooting in another direction. What makes it complicated is that I am surrounded by mirrors which show targets in every possible direction. They all look really close and really easy to hit. In fact they are, but when I achieve the objective of hitting the target in the mirror, all that happens is that the mirror shatters. The real target is still there, the reflection of the target still exists in my mind taunting me because I haven’t actually hit it. I have some satisfaction from knowing I eliminated what I shot at. However, I am also sad because I have inadvertently destroyed that which made the image possible. The mirror was not evil, the target was not evil, but the reflection of the target in the mirror becomes a source of evil when I shoot at it instead of the real target. The effort is wasted, the damage is irreversible, and the satisfaction is confusing.