Masturbation: Less than the best

"What if I asked you to give up masturbation,” He asked? 

I replied through prayer, “I think that would be very difficult.”

In short, I think that I place too much of a value on sexual satisfaction, which probably means I need to struggle to give it up. Maybe it’s not forever, but at least for an undefined period of time. While pleasure can be good, I cannot allow it to become something I can’t give up for the sake of knowing Christ. (Phillippians 3:8)* I need to give this up because I want something better. In the process of letting go of my ‘rights’ to it, I will discover the value of what I acquire instead.

Tonight, I asked permission. He said, no, but I did anyway. That is unacceptable. I cannot let a physical desire override my spiritual desire. If I do, I will discover as always that the two cannot be separated without losing their value.

Even though there is pleasure in masturbation and pleasure in participating in sex, this kind of pleasure is driven from a source that loses its value outside of marriage. I have defined pornography as wrong, but cannot do the same for masturbation. It is not such a black and white line. However, it is less than the best I could desire and therefore a distraction that I need to keep from blocking my vision of what is beautiful.

*Phillippians 3:8

More than that, I count all things as loss compared to the surpassing excellence of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.

When Jesus is There

I think that I am finally coming to understand the problem with Pornography. It is the part of watching it that hurts. Even from the very start, I know that I am taking something from someone that doesn’t belong to me. In addition, I am forcing Christ to go through a mental interaction with a person that is not my wife. How can I join Him with a prostitute? (1 Corinthians 6:15 Do you not knowthatyourbodiesaremembersof Christ?Shall I then takethemembersof Christand unite themwith a prostitute?Never!) This is the most terrible thing of all, for this action does not hurt me as much as it does Him. 

I think this is the first time I have gone through a ‘session’ with the full knowledge that Jesus has never left the room. That He looks on with sorrow at how willing I am to be unsatisfied. It’s a little bit awkward writing it here, but there is no condemnation from Him. His grace has covered my sin before I even consider performing it.

Because God is the source of joy, pleasure, beauty, etc.… anything that I pursue apart from my pursuit of Him will not contain the joy, pleasure, beauty etc.… that I expect. When I pursue God, I will find what I want in greater measure. When I pursue what I want, I will be disappointed when I receive it.

A Beautiful Girl

It is interesting to note that it is not necessarily my exposure to evil, but my treatment of it that hurts or helps me. Tonight, I saw one of the ads for sex that litter the internet and responded with a simple thought: you are beautiful, but that is not what you are beautiful for. There is a much greater purpose behind how you look. The hunger in your eyes will only be satisfied by one thing. You were created to be in a relationship with your creator. When I see your beauty, I can see something of the nature of God, but when I use your beauty for my selfish end, I turn away from the context in which you are most beautiful and am left with an object devoid of beauty and ultimately even devoid of pleasure.

Just This Time

Sometimes the desire is just to see what it will feel like this time. It is surprising how almost everything I see now is revolting to my sensibilities, but I go on looking for an image that is not revolting. I don’t think I will ever find it, but that is sometimes what pushes me further. Even though I am never happy with it, I enter anyway and leave feeling the way I did before – only a little bit worse. Now, even though I didn’t want them, I have certain pictures that are stuck in my mind. They give me no joy, but they are there, wasting space

A Distortion of a Good Desire

Even when finding that which most closely resembles the relationship between two people as God intended it to be does not leave one with the feeling of satisfaction. For truth was meant to be understood through participation not through observation.

There is a desire that is good. There is a distortion of that desire which is evil. The desire cannot be understood as either physical or spiritual. It is both at the same time because the individual it originates in cannot be separated into one or the other. This is why one cannot enjoy an experience that is lacking in either attribute.

It also explains why the porn industry is constantly trying to communicate the innocence of the sexual relationship as it was created to be (or its polar opposite). Sex is what people desire, but can never find in pornography. It is that desire to find perfect one-ness with another that drives people forward on this unfortunate path that will lead them away from their goal.

What I want is Good

“That was not nearly so pleasurable as I thought it would be.” My thoughts taunted me after watching a video that in many ways satisfies my fantasies. Even though in many ways, I experienced exactly what I wanted, I was not happy with getting what I wanted. Before the action, I know that I want to do it, but afterward I am left wondering why.

 

The answer is simple, yet difficult to navigate: What I want is good, but my means of achieving it are a misdirected desire. It’s like planning to hit a target by shooting in another direction. What makes it complicated is that I am surrounded by mirrors which show targets in every possible direction. They all look really close and really easy to hit. In fact they are, but when I achieve the objective of hitting the target in the mirror, all that happens is that the mirror shatters. The real target is still there, the reflection of the target still exists in my mind taunting me because I haven’t actually hit it. I have some satisfaction from knowing I eliminated what I shot at. However, I am also sad because I have inadvertently destroyed that which made the image possible. The mirror was not evil, the target was not evil, but the reflection of the target in the mirror becomes a source of evil when I shoot at it instead of the real target. The effort is wasted, the damage is irreversible, and the satisfaction is confusing.

Counterfeit Pleasure

Does the counterfeit give as much pleasure as the reality? If I didn’t imagine that the non-counterfeit experience was better, the counterfeit experience should be equally as valuable as what may be more real. The only problem with this approach is that the pleasure is still extremely short-lived. It’s like eating a meal, but being hungry right after you’re finished. 

Sometimes what I believe is not an accurate reflection of reality. Perhaps my mind has been deceived into thinking that I can derive some pleasure from pornography. However my experience proves the limited nature of this activity.