A Mindset of Abuse

The worst part about viewing pornography is that it changes my mindset toward women. They become an object of my pleasure and satisfaction. They exist to serve and satisfy my desires. This mindset does not disappear when the computer screen has closed. No, it effects the way I see just about every women for the rest of the day, week, or month. It is a struggle to begin to value the beauty of a woman as a reflection of God’s image when I have abused this quality.

An Imperfect Experience

Although the experience remained incomplete, I realized that there is some satisfaction in using pornography. Enjoying the intimacy of another couple somehow feeds a desire that is partially satisfied though it cannot be consummated without another person. I took what I could from it, but recognized that I really desire that intimacy with an individual rather than a computer screen. 

 

I am a little scared of my desire to enjoy sex with a girl instead of with myself since it is something I have always thought to be wrong. Now, I realize that it is not necessarily the full pleasure of sex, but it is something that I desire.

 

By using the term full pleasure, I recognize that I have somehow convinced myself that a perfect version of sex exists that I might miss out on if I approach it in the wrong way. However, I can never be sure if, or when, I will reach that perfect version of sex.  

 

What if life is not about a perfect version, but about doing the best with what one is given? What if contentment and satisfaction is entirely up to the individual rather than the circumstance?

 

With that conclusion, it is entirely plausible to condemn the conservative mindset toward sex as something evil. It forces a person to rely on their circumstances for happiness rather than on their own ability to experience a God-given pleasure for all it is worth no matter how perfect or imperfect the experience is.

 

There are some people who would freak out to see this written here, but I think that fear of others’ opinions is an awful reason to avoid something. Perhaps it is time to go after something that I want rather than stifling a desire out of fear that it is not perfect.

The Power of Negative Thinking

 

Creating negative associations with pornography may help to curb the neural pathways that lead to its use. 

Touching a hot stove results in a brain pathway that says, “Don’t do that again!” Part of the reason that the use of pornography leads to the opposite behavior is that we refuse to reflect on the experience to find out whether it is really satisfying.

Every activity has an effect on the happiness of an individual. There is no such thing as a static activity with no effect. The use of pornography, as with every other activity, either helps or harms the individual. Without pausing to discover which the impact is, the porn user will still feel the long-term effects. The problem is that sometimes changes take place so gradually that they are virtually unnoticeable.

The fabled frog was not placed into the pot of boiling water or he would have jumped out. Rather, the cook insured water was comfortably warm to start and gradually increased the heat until the frog was ready to eat. Had he taken the time to look around at his situation the frog might have survived. Perhaps an immediate awareness of whether the heat was increasing or decreasing would have allowed him to recognise the danger and get out. For the moment, however, he was happy, and in this way he lost his life.

 

The Power of Negative Thinking

Some people look at addictions like they were a problem of the mind. However, I would suggest that bad behavior comes from a failure to use the mind. Ask any porn user, smoker, or gambler whether they thought this was what they wanted out of life and most will say no. The honest person who thinks about their behavior is inclined to do what is best for their interests. When they think about what they are doing with a serious intention to understand it, the nature of what they do becomes sincerely ridiculous.

They might still choose to ignore their thoughts that perhaps another lifestyle choice would be better. However, the denial of their existence only strengthens their legitimacy. Whenever I use porn it requires me to ignore the things that I know about how unsatisfying it is, about its social impact, and about the ludicrous nature of trying to make love to a computer screen. I am nearly ready to laugh at myself for what I do, but humans are far to ready to push aside their thoughts in order to have what we like. How many smokers talk about quitting while taking another puff? How many gamblers hide their money to stop what they do? How many blog posts will I write about using porn as a Christian?

The brain takes time to change. If I am willing to immerse myself in the feelings of devastation, sorrow, and overall foolishness that follow my behaviour, perhaps over time my brain will begin to associate such things with the activity that I want to avoid. However, it is hard to expose myself to such things. I would rather see a good-looking gentleman than a disheveled knave when I look into the mirror.

 

The Decision

Thus, I must decide which I would rather have: a life of self-deception, or an honest look at who I am and where I want to go. This is the duty of the Christian: to walk in the light rather than in the darkness. To expose every aspect of ourselves to the God whose grace is big enough to cover everything and whose love sees only the righteousness of Jesus. It is only by recognizing the truth of what we believe that we can open up to the light and engage with our actions in the honest mindset required for lasting change.

Empty Water Bags

Trying to find satisfaction through pornography is similar to trying to find water inside of an empty water bag. No matter how hard you suck at the opening, there is no moisture to satisfy the unending thirst of a dry tongue. With just a few minutes of use, I have drained the container of pornography to find that it has nothing to offer besides a spray of warm air.

Perhaps my experience is unusual and my brain is no longer primed to enjoy such a guilty pleasure. However, I think that the digital world of pornography (and perhaps the digital world of social media, gaming, etc...) offers more than it gives. The sales pitch is great, but the actual product does not do what it was supposed to.

My experience of Netflix and of Pornhub reflect the truth of this idea. Both platforms are designed for convenience of browsing through reams of possibilities, none of which are fully satisfactory. We search through one genre after another seeking some answer to the nagging question deep within the soul, but this action is only a distraction. The real test is one of whether we can turn to face the question head on to discover its source or whether we will attempt to appease some tickle of fancy that proposes to end our interest in the question for awhile.

What is the question?

I think it is not clearly defined in my own mind enough to share. However, I know that simply embracing a passion for knowing God and living as a Christian is not enough to make it go away. There is still some need or want whose root may be good or evil, but whose effect must be managed if I am to avoid the frustration of trying to drink out of empty water bags.

Masturbation: Less than the best

"What if I asked you to give up masturbation,” He asked? 

I replied through prayer, “I think that would be very difficult.”

In short, I think that I place too much of a value on sexual satisfaction, which probably means I need to struggle to give it up. Maybe it’s not forever, but at least for an undefined period of time. While pleasure can be good, I cannot allow it to become something I can’t give up for the sake of knowing Christ. (Phillippians 3:8)* I need to give this up because I want something better. In the process of letting go of my ‘rights’ to it, I will discover the value of what I acquire instead.

Tonight, I asked permission. He said, no, but I did anyway. That is unacceptable. I cannot let a physical desire override my spiritual desire. If I do, I will discover as always that the two cannot be separated without losing their value.

Even though there is pleasure in masturbation and pleasure in participating in sex, this kind of pleasure is driven from a source that loses its value outside of marriage. I have defined pornography as wrong, but cannot do the same for masturbation. It is not such a black and white line. However, it is less than the best I could desire and therefore a distraction that I need to keep from blocking my vision of what is beautiful.

*Phillippians 3:8

More than that, I count all things as loss compared to the surpassing excellence of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.

When Jesus is There

I think that I am finally coming to understand the problem with Pornography. It is the part of watching it that hurts. Even from the very start, I know that I am taking something from someone that doesn’t belong to me. In addition, I am forcing Christ to go through a mental interaction with a person that is not my wife. How can I join Him with a prostitute? (1 Corinthians 6:15 Do you not knowthatyourbodiesaremembersof Christ?Shall I then takethemembersof Christand unite themwith a prostitute?Never!) This is the most terrible thing of all, for this action does not hurt me as much as it does Him. 

I think this is the first time I have gone through a ‘session’ with the full knowledge that Jesus has never left the room. That He looks on with sorrow at how willing I am to be unsatisfied. It’s a little bit awkward writing it here, but there is no condemnation from Him. His grace has covered my sin before I even consider performing it.

Because God is the source of joy, pleasure, beauty, etc.… anything that I pursue apart from my pursuit of Him will not contain the joy, pleasure, beauty etc.… that I expect. When I pursue God, I will find what I want in greater measure. When I pursue what I want, I will be disappointed when I receive it.

A Beautiful Girl

It is interesting to note that it is not necessarily my exposure to evil, but my treatment of it that hurts or helps me. Tonight, I saw one of the ads for sex that litter the internet and responded with a simple thought: you are beautiful, but that is not what you are beautiful for. There is a much greater purpose behind how you look. The hunger in your eyes will only be satisfied by one thing. You were created to be in a relationship with your creator. When I see your beauty, I can see something of the nature of God, but when I use your beauty for my selfish end, I turn away from the context in which you are most beautiful and am left with an object devoid of beauty and ultimately even devoid of pleasure.